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Dec. 19th, 2009

Small pleasures that make me the happiest:
Coming home to find a personal piece of mail.
Talking to a friend about something ridiculous and feeling as if they aren't judging you at all.
Getting a new book an nd peeling the price tag off.
The day when I realise, finally, my period is over.
Telling someone a personal preference, eg I hate green apples and they remembering it.
getting photos back from the photo shop.
Small flirtatious conversations that we both know will go no where.
Going home to take my shoes off.
Ice cold water.
Hugs. Long hugs.
People saying they missed me.
Green felt tip pen. Pink lemonade.

Crackling hearts.

Happiness that hurts. Sadness that doesn't.

Running away from the pain. Finding there is no running.


Realising that the person you loved. Just isn't there any more. 

Wondering if they ever were.

Or did you make that up?

So that you had an excuse not to be alone.

I am depressed and I don't know why.

I just wanted to tell someone that.

But in the end, by typing it up here I am shouting it to the abyss. With the knowledge that no one will read it. No one will wonder why. I am shouting it into the abyss with the complete knowledge that anything that comes back will only be an echo.

I just can't do it any more. I just can't.

I don't want to be me any more. 

And I say all of this shit, secure in the knowledge that I will never hurt myself. Ever. I will never wreck the illusion of being happy. I want people to see me and think well, she is happy.

But I am not. 

I am just another helpless soul, with no meaning, no desires above the insignificant, and with nothing to diffrentiate from the person haunched in their shell of a body next door. Or next door to that.


I am just another. 

And I wanted my whole life to be someone, something, somewhat. I wanted people to care in some way shape or form.

But they don't.

Not because they don't love me. They do. I am just nothing special to anyone. I am not bright enough, no pretty enough, not kind enough, not funny enough, not happy enough, not sad enough, not bitchy enough, not caring enough, not sardonic enough.

I am not enough.

I am just yet another shell. Another picture in black and white.

I wanted my life to be technicolour.

At the moment I would be satisfied with any colour.

I just....

Even these words aren't enough. They don't explain the truth of the matter.

When i was about 13 I had this epiphany.

I realised everyone is alone in their own heads.

everyone is.

No one can truly sympathise. Or empathise with another person.

There are 6 billion people out there, all thinking separate things, living separate lives.

I could never differentiate myself. 

Because everyone is alike in one way or another. not one is truly unique.

But if I was unique to one person. 

I don't think I would feel like this.

So Inky-Bus has to admit something.


She is somewhat in love with someone.

I dunno what to do about it. I really don't. To tell the truth, I have only been in love once before, and then I was close enough to the person to convince myself to get over it. Now... You know how they say distance makes the heart grow fonder? It is ridiculously true. Because I am "loving someone from a distance" I can easily convince myself they are the epitome of perfection.

But it is not true, and I must remember this.

He is good looking-BUT NOT GREAT LOOKING.
He is sweet-but he doesn't know me well enough to be nasty.
He is funny-but not particulary so.
He is arrogant.
He is a snob.
He is going to beat me in the HSC.
He has a girlfriend.
He doesn't know me
 My attraction could pass completely if I did know him better.
I despise being a stereotype, and everyone loves this guy.
He is a dork.
He plays handball for gods sake.
But he likes good music.
But he is a snob about the music he likes.
He would never like me unless I could lose about 20 kilos, and even then, I doubt he would like me because he looks down on my personality.
I am not his type.

So why am I so ridiculously head over heels? It is driving me crazy. I am crazy. And worse of all, he knows nothing about it.

No, worst of all, all my friends like him too.

I have had three freaking dreams about him.

I need someone to catch my attention, so I can get the hell og the guy.



Hey, so I am meant to be going to graduation soon (yay! I am graduating. Also a bit of oh my god, what am I going to do now) but I thought that I might have a little bit of a rant. On Twilight. 

I know. It has been done a billion times before. But if I am going to say anything good about Twilight, it is that it has brought together a mass of angry, deeply sarcastic people.

I was never going to write this till I heard  people comparing her to Elizabeth Bennet. It was about then that I decided the world was screwed. Let's look at it objectively, shall we? Elizabeth Bennet. Beautiful (but not as beautiful as Jane). Intelligent and able to hold a conversation (that doesn't revolve around the fact that "homg, when I see you I can't breathe, Eddie"). She refuses to marry two men. Why? Because she has morals, she is headstrong and she knows what she wants. Sure, she changes her mind eventually, but she still refuses him despite the money and security he would give her. She has a real flaw too. Prejudice.

Now, let's look at Twilight.

Bella. Bella "doesn't know that she is beautiful" *Yawn* It has been done so many times before. She is intelligent, previously done all of the stuff they are doing for class. Snaps for her. Seriously. 

Her conversation. Hmm. Well, let's change the topic shall we? Bella also refuses to date a couple of guys (it is five isn't it? I stopped counting after a while). She refuses to marry Edward.  When my friend first told me that, I thought "good on her." Leave your options open, whatever. But no, she wants to become a vampire and live with him forever, and ever and ever. But not marry him. Because, although she is willing to give up everything else in the world (her family, her humanity, her life etc) she is not willing to walk down an aisle with an ugly white dress and let someone wedge a ring on her finger. Even I, with my warped views of marriage, think that is slightly ridiculous.

Bella's flaw? Clumsiness. Let me explain. A crappy mary sue flaw, designed to make her even more of a damsel in distress.

Bella has no ambitions, other than Edward, and she is nothing without him. She is a crap role model for anyone, where as Elizabeth, when I first read the book at 11, was my idol. 

But okay, let's do a bit of a scenario shall we? Your best friend ever, love them to bits etc, comes over one day. Says that they have fallen head over heels in love. You squeel for a bit (god knows why, but you do). Anyway, they finally tell you everything about him.

"He is gorgeous." is probably repeated a couple too many times. Then the other stuff comes out. He watches your best friend sleep (and has done so from before they had even had a conversation). When the best friend wants to go and see one of her male friends, he DISMANTLES HER CAR so that she can't go. She loses touch with all of her friends, because he is the only one in her world. When he leaves her, she jumps off a cliff and takes to suicidal motorbike riding. Then you go hang out with them for a bit, good on you. I personally wouldn't but whatever, you were probably bribed by chocolate.  He patronises her in every conversation, and she drools whenever he is near. Your, supposedly intelligent, friend has became nothing more than an audience for him and has lost any purpose her life had previously.


Or is it to calmly take your friend by the shoulders, shake her until her brain rattles and get her to leave the abusive relationship?? Even if it means kidnapping, bribes or paper cut outs of a naked Edward.

But, aside from the romance (and, believe me, it hurts to type that), the rest of it is just as bad. When I got to the part about him "sparkling," I was asked to leave the library, I was laughing so hard.

But, you know what? I am not going to put any more shit over Bella. Because there is a reason she is such a nothing, and a reason why the only discription of Edward is "perfect. Gorgeous.Adonis."

Because that way, young impressionable readers (or even older ones) can read it and put their own personalities, flaws etc into Bella, and their own concept of a gorgeous, perfect guy into Edward. It is a chose your own adventure, where the result is that people, feeling unloved, lonely, as if they will never get the perfect boyfriend etc, can engage in what can only be called crappy female love porn.

In Pride and Prejudice, the romance between Mr Darcy and Elizabeth, doesn't work for the majority of the book. He is an arrogant, egotistical prat while she refuses to think of him as anything more than horrible, prideful and the last man on earth she would marry. And yet, when they finally get together (can I quickly say, that was another thing that freaked me out about Twilight. After like a week she is saying that she loves him, can't live without him and wants to become a vampire to live with him forever. A WEEK!!). Anyway, when Mr Darcy and Elizabeth finally get together, it is based on shared respect.

When Bella and Edward get together, it is based on the fact her blood smells nice (I feel ridiculous saying that) and thinnly disguised sexual lust on Bella's side. That, is why Edward is so reluctant to sleep with her. Because, seriously, once that is done, why hang around? There is no equality in the relationship whatsoever.

I feel dirty reading it.

What Bella needs is a good dose of self respect, Vampires Anonymous meetings for a while and a good friend, to either a) bash Edward, or b) slap Bella.

What Edward needs is character. Jesus Christ, even excepting all the other weird stuff he does, what the hell is with the repeating high school and never having had sex? As someone, who does go to school, here is a suggestion. NO ONE WOULD REPEAT FOR THAT LONG IF THEY HAD ANY CHOICE IN IT. IT IS LIKE DIPPING YOUR HAND INTO BOILING OIL. YOU DO IT ONCE. THEN YOU TRY AND AVOID IT.

As for the sex, I am not suggesting promiscuity is the way to go, but the guy has been 17 for a 100 years now. I have plenty of 17 year old guy friends. Sex is pretty much up there on the things to do list. The idea of someone being 17 for 100 years (with the hormones of a 17 year old) and not having sex?? That kinda scares me.

Anyway, end rant. Wish me luck for graduating.
I want purple socks. And orange underwear. Green felt tip pens. And of course, I want a purple hoodie. So I can wear it and pretend I stole it off Gabe. Or that I am Gabe. Either way.
You know, for some reason I never expected it to happen.

I can't remember who said it, but some one once said "at one point in every child's life, they judge their parents. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." Which I understood. Growing up in part of a horrific divorce, the type that makes other people want to intervene in court for you, I judged my parents at a young age. Mostly, I forgave them. I understood why.

But that is not the problem. Through out my parents' divorce, my brother was always there for me. Three and a half years younger. Bold, articulate, funny, sarcastic, popular.  When my parents fought, he, despite being younger, fought for me. Because that was the way it was. I would protect him when it got too rough and he would step in for our rights, when I forgave too easily.

We fought. Believe me, we are siblings of course we fought. He would steal my music, not do chores or make comments that pissed me off. But he was always there for me. That's just the way it was.

Today we fought again. A different type of fight though.  I don't think I can forgive him. Or me for trusting him. I ran outside of class crying today. Because, I never thought he would let me down. But he has. I don't know if I can trust him the same way I always have. I used to imagine us as adults, the same kind of friends we are now. Because, he is about the only person on the planet I am fully honest with. Honesty doesn't come easily to me. It never has. I don't trust people with my secrets. Unless I am drunk. But I have had too many bad experiences. 

I think I am going to take the whole day off. I just can't face going back.

I can't face my brother either.

Nevermind, it will make my father happy. He said to me once that he was jealous of how close my brother and I are. My older brother, I know feels the same way. 

Things I have learned today

1) I am not awesome at Soccer. This says nothing about my  awesomeness, rather more about soccer's.
2) It is generally not part of soccer rules to pour a bucket of water over someone when they are beating you. I have no idea why.
3) Throwing a bucket of water over someone can cause water fights.
5) It is not a good idea, this close to my HSC to waste entire weekends doing fuck all.
6) It is much more fun to waste entire weekeends doing fuck all.



So I actually already have a live journal account. Which I do use.

But I was sick of having to sign out in order to read things over 18. What difference does a year make? The answer? Nothing. Why would a certain amount of extra days make a difference. It doesn't. Especially when you can just log out, reload the page and read it anyway.

I also made this account because I never post in my other one. I think it is because I have friends, people I actually know that watch it. Also, the problem with live journal (And all blogging stuff) is that everything always sounds so damn serious. See if I wrote on here, "I am dreadfully unhappy, because the love of my life doesn't know I exist" regardless of whether it is a joke or an example or whatever, I would have them calling me up, trying to figure out a) if I am okay and b) who it was.

But, alas, already this is sounding downer etc. Do not fear, whoever is reading. I am not actually that unhappy about the person not knowing who I am. Because, damn, why would I have facebook, myspace etc, except for stalking? As well, the added benefit of liking someone that you will never ever be with, is that they never let you down. In your head, they will always be articulate, intelligent, gorgeous, sweet, gentle, humourous, interested in the same hobbies. Basically, your perfect match.

Alas, dear livejournal, I must depart. Fare thee well